Idiosyncratic late-night reflections on change
In the solitude of the early morning, darkness and silence mix with my thoughts and the sound of my breathing. Here I am, at two in the morning, with my cigarettes and a non-alcoholic beer by my side, trying not to let my sadness get tangled up in my old addiction. In this moment of reflection, I realize how long and intricate my journey was to accept my true identity: a trans woman.
For years, I lived as a heterosexual man, attracted to women, while a part of me – my feminine essence – remained hidden, surviving discreetly in our marital life. I kept my trans identity a secret for four decades, harboring the vain hope that this essential part of me might simply disappear. But, over time, I understood that this is not a phase or a passing choice; It’s who I am.
I reflected on the end of my life, wondering if I would die without the people I love knowing who I really was and that I wasn’t Guilherme. They only knew a part of me, not the whole person. Transition is a continuous process, involving not only physical transformations, but also psychological, emotional and social adjustments that last throughout life.
I feel increasingly empowered as a woman. This blossoming process is a journey of self-discovery and acceptance. Guilherme, the name I once identified with, is still a dear part of me, watching and supporting my transition into who I truly am, Laura. Guilherme brought Laura to light in moments of loneliness, dressing as the woman who was always there, waiting to reveal herself.
Today, with Guilherme giving space to Laura, I feel a deep joy for finally living the fullness of my true identity. However, this change comes with its own set of challenges, such as the possible loss of connections with friends and perhaps even my wife, who knew and loved the man I presented to the world. Despite these sadnesses, I face the future with hope, ready to face new experiences and fully express who I am, while continuing to value and respect the path I have taken so far.
